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Our Culture Inchoate: Rats in Baltimore #33

Updated: Oct 16, 2019

LION NEWS AND SPEAKER TORRES, August 1, 2019. 10:23am


LUANNE, LION NEWS (LL): Speaker Torres! Madame Speaker! Do you have a minute?

TORRES (T): Yes, but just a minute. How are you, Luanne?

LL: Oh, thanks for remembering me! Uh, what did you think of the debates these past two nights?

T: To tell you the truth, as I watched them, I was both excited and disheartened.

I am excited for the energy. I am excited that Americans have such a wonderful bounty today and a limitless future.

But our problems today, and we have a few, are not caused by Mr. Trump. He exacerbates some of them, but people give him too much credit for influencing our culture, our values. The media created him, and the media can take him down. What is ironic is that he is so thin-skinned that he cannot withstand harsh political rhetoric, and then acts so surprised when his opponents attack him for what he says, the equally over-the-top kind of nasty speech that alienates entire cities.

My question is: Do democrats really want to defeat Donald Trump? Where’s the serious policy from the candidates?

I must be candid. The top three contenders are all Trump’s age. That’s not a disqualifier, but it speaks volumes as to whether there is a long term democratic strategy. We know that Trump does not think long term. He only needs a reelection to validate his presidency. Think about it: a president’s second term is not a mandate, but a precursor to four years of posturing and inaction, a new bidding war for reelection of all candidates from both parties. Action, real action and change, can only occur in the first term in today’s polarized atmosphere.

I have some respect, as a partisan democrat, for Biden, Sanders, and, to a lesser extent, Warren. They represent the children of the greatest generation but did not inherit their mantel of patriotism and sacrifice. They are the opposite of millennials and will not inherit their future.

Here’s where we are. Millennials are trying to be happy today, and will wind up being challenged tomorrow, when it’s too late. Our greatest generation was challenged during their most productive years, and created a happiness of country and culture that is the envy of the world.

What has either party in the last generation done to live up to that ideal?

LL: I am sorry to interrupt you, Madame Speaker, but we are getting a live feed from the White House lawn and our producers have required me to switch over.

T: No problem, and thanks for your time!


BREAKING NEWS, WHITE HOUSE LAWN, August 1, 2019 11:01 am

DONALD TRUMP (DT): Good morning, everyone, good morning, muggy today, right? How are we doing?

REPORTER ONE (R1): Mr. President, What did you think of the debates last night?

DT: Not much, I didn’t watch. I saw a summary on one of the networks this morning, and it’s nice to see the democrats use republican talking points. I think they said that several times last night. Wonderful, wonderful.

REPORTER TWO (R2): Have you spoken with Representative Cummings from Maryland?

DT: No, I have not. He’s seems like a good man, but misguided and essentially a failure. His whole district is. He should worry less about the border…

R2: But isn’t that his job? National policy?

DT: What about his own district? I mean, c’mon, all those rats!

R2: Mr. President, there are more rats in New York City, your home town, than anywhere.

DT: Not true, not true, not true. Rats are down there, I can assure you of that.

R2: Can you cite statistics?

DT: I don’t need to, they are down there. Not many rats at all in New York City, and certainly not in Trump Towers or my other properties.

R2: You know that can be fact-checked, sir.

DT: Doesn’t matter. I know the truth, and you’ll just report fake news. There are very few rats in New York City than in Baltimore, let me tell you. And New York is much bigger, much better, even with DeBlasio as mayor. Not many rats by comparison.

R1: Fewer rats per capita? Or fewer rats in total?

DT: Well, if you really want to know, I did a great deal to bring down rats in New York, and my administration has done more to eliminate rats ever, ever, in the history of our nation. We are rat-haters, and rat-killers. Democrats are not. I think they like rats.

REPORTER THREE (R3): Mr. President, there has been a lot of talk about Area 51 in Nevada. Care to comment?

DT: Are you sure it’s in Nevada? Not Arizona?

R3: Yes, quite sure.

DT: Well, I asked my staff just this past week to brief me on this, and we had several high level meetings over the past few days. Very informative. Very interesting. Fascinating, really.

R3: What kind of talks?

DT: High level. Big league. And secret, for national security reasons, the secret kind. There is much that I cannot divulge, but if I could, I would, let me tell you.

REPORTER FOUR (R4): Are we in danger, Mr. President?

DT: No, no. No danger. At least I think so. Let’s hope not.

R1: Mr. President, have we had contact with alien life forms, here on earth?

DT: I really shouldn’t comment, it is classified, you know, very very secret, but yes, we have had some indications of contact. If you believe everything I’ve read, and what I’ve been told to read, when I get to it.

R2: Do you believe everything you’ve read? Is there contact now?

DT: Well, this much I can tell you. My administration has everything under control.

R4: Have you spoken to an alien?

DT: No, no I haven’t.

R4: Don’t you think the American people would be reassured if you made personal contact?

DT: To the extent that I can discuss this, uh, if there is an opportunity for me to talk to aliens, or Martians, or whatever, I will do so.

R1: Are you serious? Is this possible?

DT: Of course, I’m serious. If anyone is going to talk to creatures from other worlds, it’s gonna be me. I can make a great deal for them, and for the world.

R2: Mr. President, can you guarantee the safety of the world?

DT: Yes, what do you think? I’ve already proven…well, think about it. If you want someone to protect the human race, why wouldn’t it be me? I think that’s obvious.

R2: But, but, will you really be negotiating with aliens? And they’re from Mars?

DT: Well, I can’t confirm they’re from Mars. But they’re not from Baltimore, I can tell you. Maybe Chicago…

R1: Are we really safe?

R2: Can you guarantee we won’t be annihilated?

R3: Are the other world leaders aware of this?

R4: Wait, wait, come back, one more question!


CNF NEWS, August 1, 2019 NOON


JOSH TANNER (JT): Good afternoon, this is Josh Tanner with two astonishing reports on this first day of August, 2019.

First, President Trump has confirmed that Area 51 does in fact have live aliens, and has told the world that he is best suited to negotiate with them, for the safety of the human race. As outrageous as this is to most of the world, the president has guaranteed the safety of all Americans, and presumably the world.

The White House, on this issue, is on complete lockdown. That includes tweets.

The White House Press Corps has been escorted from the building, and there has been no, I repeat no, confirmation or condemnation coming from anywhere in the administration.

But we have just heard, less than an hour after the unbelievable Area 51 claims, that several cabinet members, and many of the White House staff, have given a constructive resignation by walking away from their jobs.

As if this revelation of Area 51 is not enough, the Attorney General’s office has just handed down sealed indictments of Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Donald Trump Jr and Eric Trump. The specifications are to be distributed today at 200pm, and it looks like the entire professional Trump family will have its hands full, legally.

We bring you back to your local television stations…

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